I discovered a new passion today. I discovered that the pleasures I have been so adamantly searching for aren’t so complex, and are often quite easily attainable. This is contrary to the brief and sporadic educations of my upbringing. Originally they all said I was weak and threw like a girl; the obvious and inevitable route was one into the realms of submissive reading and crafting airfix models with my geeky friends, away from the norms of competitive expression. While most of the lads were kicking a bag of air around the field, I deferred into a world of fantasy and role play.
Most of the girls at school liked me, partially as a result of said social disposition. My feminine side shone through and we were able to open up to each other. For once I was accepted. I spent most of my early social developmental experiences with the opposite sex, which shaped my character and turned me away from men as allies.
I developed on this path for a number of years; carrying on the social trend of being extremely feminine and sensitive. Unease had always graced me somewhat, and this seemed to increase in line with my age. However I never considered that my path of choice was in fact the incorrect and least suitable for me. It had crossed my mind that perhaps I had been born to the wrong side of gender but dismissed this as mockery. However, today I discovered that the majority of everything prior to this day in my life was completely wrong.
I don’t know what led me to so violently crush that woman’s head with my booted foot, but it was a massively influential turning point. I think that the relentless overexposure to feminine environments and expression had conflicted with my true self. Initially to kick the woman in her most confidential and gender defining possession was enlightening enough. But when she had reached the floor and I forced my foot down into her screaming phizog, something changed. I knew that I didn’t hesitate in the slightest but it felt like there was a long contemplative moment before I applied the fatal caress of footwork. I was calm and my mind was clear as I inspected her expression. Her face was pretty and well kempt; I remembered yearning to be like that, to be womanly. When I ground her lifeless skull into the earth, I did not kill her; I killed the previous me. I used her as an active catalyst for my transition between the wrongs of my preceding ways and the pursuit of virtuous existence. For once the relief of my ongoing anxieties struck me; I was a new man and male for sure.
Surely the regret will creep upon me in future and make me feel marginally selfish. But for the moment I have a new life to live and I don’t care one bit.
